A story of Healing
I was 2 when my father left.
Life after that was a series of men leaving.
My young mom cultivated relationships with great men, that shaped my life, that I got attached to. But inevitably the relationship ended, which meant the masculine was leaving me again.
Trauma leaves an imprint on our system.
I was traumatized by the loss of my father. Every subsequent loss of a man touched on that original wound. Re-affirmed the beliefs + survival patterns forged at that moment. Often so subconsciously that I didn’t know how deep the wound went.
As a teenager + young adult I kept perpetuating the pattern into my own relationships. Boys + men kept leaving.
I would choose wrong, primed in someway to choose the one that would leave, that could not meet me, care for me, see me the way I needed. It was almost a way to say “see, I’m not lovable, not worth staying for.” A way to prove the original trauma assumptions true.
This original abandonment became internalized. I had begun abandoning myself. I spiraled into choices + places that were not my best, not a reflection of who I was at my core, of how I wanted to be in the world. I moved further from what I actually wanted into routines of self sabotage.
They say that we learn to shape + define our inner masculine from our fathers. I realized that without my father, my inner masculine had not grown right. It’s as if he too jumped ship + left me to fend for myself with a faulty operating system.
It took me a long time to recognize this pattern, to name this problem, to heal this wound.
Knowing our inner archetypes + tending to these energies within changed everything. Getting to know + honor the inner masculine helped me get to know + honor myself at a completely different level. It helped me to stop abandoning myself + prioritizing others wants + needs over my own.
Healing & integration comes from turning toward ourselves, reclaiming ourselves, embracing ourselves. The shadow + the light, the wounds + the magic, the shame + the grace, the masculine + the feminine.
I now help people return home, to stop abandoning themselves, to root into the full range of their humanness, + to grow from past pain.
